Aftercare is a very important concept within BDSM and an uttermost necessity. Aftercare is, to me, not just the cuddles, getting fluids or providing a blanket. It is also the occasion where the dominant and submissive pick up the experience of the scene/training that they have done together. Aftercare means rationalisation and putting words to the things that are unsaid or felt.
BDSM creates strong emotions, especially when you take the power away from someone, and these emotions might not be obvious when you do the scene, they might emerge days afterwards; a feeling of emptiness, humiliation, loneliness etc. And good BDSM always creates strong emotions, but good BDSM becomes even better if the emotions are understood and put on the table – The feelings that the scene invoked needs to be understood. This is were the role of the dominant also becomes very important. As a dominant you have to push the submissive to work through the emotional response.
It’s not uncommon after a harsh BDSM session that the submissive shuts herself/himself down in terms of internal processing – And this needs to be done in most cases. But the shutdown cannot go on forever and as a dominant you need to get the submissive back into processing mode. When the processing starts then there is a lot of emotions that might be coming through. The dominant needs to pick these up and make something out of it if the submissive hasn’t done this already – The dominant provides an alternative interpretation of things. Its also not very uncommon that the dominant gets the blame for everything that is going on – It is the dominant that has put the submissive in the position he or she is in.
The blame is something the dominant has to withstand – With care. It’s very important to stay calm and look rationally at the anger being put on the dominant. If the dominant starts to put prestige inti things or take everything personally then that will definitely kill the aftercare process.
The first sign of a dominant being put on the blame spot or an internal thought process that is stuck on the submissive’s side is usually when comments like “You don’t understand what I am saying” or “You don’t understand me” are uttered. This is where the dominant has to stay calm – The main concern of the dominant in this case as the giver of aftercare is to make the submissive understand herself/himself.
Not any of these things are easy and it is treacherous waters to navigate and it can create a lot of insecurities, but the dominant needs to create a stable foundation, a platform for discussion and analysis.
In the end it is all about communication…
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[…] Another worthwhile read from the Island of Pain (why have I never been here before?): Excellent post on The Importance of Aftercare. […]
Absolutely right!
I have added a short article and link to this on the Cellar blog.
San
I know over a dozen women on Fetlife, some of them personally, that inform me that not only do they find aftercare to be unnecessary, they also find it undesirable. These women engage in BDSM activities. A few of them engage in BDSM activities on a daily basis, and to extremes that would shock and frighten the average person. (Comment by Stoltz Sinatra: Edited to remove screen names of people mentioned, let those people speak for themselves)
I was able to pull those names up in under an hour. There are numerous more that express the same sentiments. In light of this, how can the person writing this blog insist that aftercare is “an uttermost necessity”?
The author here is writing in matter of fact terms which convey to the unwary reader that the need for aftercare is an absolute. For lack of a milder way of wording it, this is an outright lie. This can be further demonstrated by asking those that have not underwent aftercare if it caused them psychological damage. Most that you ask will tell you “No”. Quite a few people will tell you that they never even reach subspace, which further negates the claim that aftercare is necessary.
The bottom line is, nobody is going to die from lack of aftercare. They may die from lack of first aid in the event of unconsciousness and open wounds, but they will not die for lack of aftercare. The average person with normal amounts of emotional baggage will also not wind up in a mental institution for lack of aftercare. And quite a few people do not even want aftercare.
Aftercare may be provided, should the dominant, top, or sadist decide or agree to do so. But it is by no means necessary, and to claim that it is on your blog is to mislead everyone that should read it.
You know what struck me the most reading this? “The dominant needs to [fill in the blank here].” Over and over again.
You know what I think the dominant needs to do? Whatever he wants to do. The End. Exactly who gets the perks here, in this relationship you’re describing? Dominating a woman like the one you describe sounds like a second JOB, not a relationship. Where does the submissive’s “needs to” start? How about “the submissive needs to remember that she’s an adult, not a child, and suck it the fuck up, buttercup.”
Most of the people I know who are involved in bdsm aren’t looking for a caretaker . This whole post smacks of poor helpless suzie sub who can’t function or communicate or process or ‘deal’ without being guided by the loving, strong, nurturing dom that she’s manipulated into being her new Daddy.
For the record, I’m one of those who thinks aftercare is unnecessary and is undesirable. It most certainly is NOT an “uttermost necessity”. Is it possible that you’re mistaken? Can you even consider the idea that it’s not a necessity?
Both your opinions are welcome and respected…
I urge you two to read the post again – You two are mixing up aftercare and empowerment of the submissive. Aftercare is not about empowerment or giving the sub any control or what you ever you want to put into the term.
The concept of aftercare is still on the Dominants side and the post doesn’t relate to every case in the world, it is a generalisation which is even stated in the post. You two are actually using the same approximation of the reality when you state “I know a lot of women” or “I know a lot of people that do BDSM” or even when you imply that is something that can be left out. Well, if aftercare is about pampering then it can be left out, but my post doesn’t relate to pampering – It relates to a continuation of the processing, guidance. A punishment is also something that is used for the same reasons, guidance and setting things straight.
Nor does my post state that damage will occur if the aftercare is left out, the rest of your argumentation is just about semantics and if I am wrong in your world view, then so be it – Then that is how you see it. The obvious flaw in this discussion is that you think my opinion is “wrong” while I say it is up to you two if you want to leave aftercare out – Do you two understand the difference?
I am clearly stating in the post what aftercare is to me, that is the nature of a blog and this blog in particular. If you think I am spreading lies about my view on aftercare then so be it, but stating that it is a lie, is at the same time interesting in its own absurdity. If you put on a mindset where everything written on the web is objectiive and not affected by any opinions, then I can understand that you two are claiming what I say is a lie. If you believe that the whole concept of aftercare is a lie then say so – Even tho I believe that there are other people that would contest that claim.
Now comes the conundrum in your own statement: Isn’t your claim that I am lying (about my opinion about what aftercare is?) a subjective statement? Do you two posses the universal key to what aftercare is, if so then I would be delighted to be brought out of the darkness. Do you two seriously mean that other people are lying as soon as a concept doesn’t fit accordingly to what you subjectively believe is most common practice?
it is up to each and everyone to judge whether I am right or wrong. Added to that is that I respect your view upon the world and BDSM – But I am not living by it as it is my choice.
You two still have some gaps to fill out – What do you think aftercare is? My view of aftercare and how I believe it should be applied within this context is as guidance carried out by the dominant and by the choice of the dominant, this is clearly stated in this post – Now it’s your turn: What is aftercare to you two?
A lie and if so, why?
A wrongfully empowerment of the submissive?
A threat to TPE?
A way for the dominant to use additional techniques for guidance, at his choice and at his will?
A concept that should never have been created as it is destroying the nature of BDSM?
I believe that people reading this are entitled to a clarification on why the concept of aftercare undesirable – What are the reasons based on 24/7 and TPE?
(15:17 local time: Response slightly edited to tone things and correct grammar)
“Uttermost necessity”??? Really? What horrible fate befalls the girl who gets no aftercare? Myocardial infarction? Nervous breakdown? Or is it that her attention whoring character suffers if she is denied her “oh poor baby” stroking from her service top?
“The blame is something the dominant has to withstand”…and exactly what is he being “blamed” for? What did he do wrong? That pillow princess needs her ass beaten ten times over if she’s piling blame onto a man who did nothing wrong. And that serv…Dom needs to drop a pair into the sack and stop being sucked in by that precious of flower of submission who has him that whipped.
“As a dominant you have to push the submissive to work through the emotional response.” Do WHAT? What emotional response? If that precious flower of submission is such a basket case, she probably needs a therapist, not some man in leather pants to “provide an alternative interpretation of things.”
“It is the dominant that has put the submissive in the position he or she is in.” Right. So he should release her from her bonds, so that she can get back to serving him. That, folks, is the “uttermost necessity”.
Interesting point, Janibelle…
Are you defining aftercare within session based play or are you referring to TPE? This might be important.
Could there be a differentiation on how things are done within the two different contexts?
I don’t see your post as an affront or of particular interest even. But I would say that the lack of qualifiers make your tone sound absolutist, and I think that’s where a lot of the problem leads. If you made more “I think” “for me” and “this is the way I do it” statements, it would make a lot more sense to me. I don’t think you’re “lying”, personally, but I do think that the way you phrased things do make it sounds like a universal truth, and it is not.
It may be how you look at your responsibilities as a dominant, and that’s totally OK. The problem comes in when you make it sound as though that’s the way it should be done by everyone. It could be a language barrier thing, or it could just be your particular writing style.
I have to say that it’s incumbent on me, as a grown woman who chooses to engage in BDSM and authority dynamics, to have my shit together, learn how to process what I’m being put through, and ask for help if I need it. A dominant is not an omnipotent being who understands every nuance of what a bottom type goes through or is thinking.
Leading people to believe that dominants are or should be the caretaker of one’s processing and emotional health is wrong and potentially dangerous. Not all dominants have any interest in that (or are capable of doing a good job at it), for some, it’s all about getting their jollies off by making someone scream. If they find someone who is willing to sign up for that, it’s better to encourage said person to understand that if aftercare is necessary in that situation, they’d best learn how to sooth/process by themselves.
At any rate, I don’t personally believe you intended to be misleading, but your post IS because of the language you use.
@Devlyn
Good points!
I haven’t mentioned anything about mental health in my post, as I don’t believe that aftercare should be carried out in order to protect the submissive’s health – The submissive is responsible themselves for their own health (Well unless I beating areas that are potentially dangerous, kidneys as one example), as most dominants are not trained therapists. My view of aftercare that I express in my post is not based on a responsibility that the dominant has protect the mental health, as I don’t like that perspective myself.
I am fairly sure that if I would have relabeled aftercare to something new, then the controversy around my view upon aftercare wouldn’t have been that strong. The post is trying a communicate different view on aftercare – One that is not based on cuddles etc. as I know myself that cuddles is not the most effective thing to do aftercare in my context. My version of aftercare is a continuation of the session – And yes, you get reactions in session based play and I love to work with those as a part of the process where I train the submissive in order to find her submissive expression. I only do long term play which is done in increments based on sessions, i.e session play in my case is not the same as sceneing or public play (even tho that might take place now and then )
Not all submissive are experienced and I am well aware of the fact, from experience, that more experienced submissives are really good at dealing with contextualizing on their own. New submissives are usually not good at contexualizing (not everyone) as that comes with experience and it is my choice and my initiative to train my submissive into a well-experienced submissive. As a side note on this: Contextualizing is done when you are punishing your submissive in the situation when they don’t know what they did wrong, by an explanation why the sub is being punished. All this happens on the initiative of the dominant – Nothing else has been stated from my side of the fence.
To conclude it all – The aftercare I am referring to is not about cuddles and protecting the mental health of the sub, it is about continuing the training with the use of psychological techniques and perspectives, to replace the “most common” view on aftercare – Which is, as you say, about protecting the mental health of the sub, blankets and hot chocolate.
Reaching submissiveness is a process, I don’t know if that is viewed on differently within a TPE relationship, but my guess is that it is judging from the reactions.
I am trying to advocate a shift and this discussion is helping me to pinpoint that a bit more; My version of aftercare is more about using contextualizing at a point were people usually revert to aftercare, i.e when you get reactions then it is time to shape the submissive through contextualizing and that is a better aftercare as it doesn’t break the training – You don’t pull the submissive out of context, which most aftercare procedures are designed to do.
The concept of aftercare is still of uttermost importance – The “uttermost importance” part refers to discuss aftercare as concept which is being done here and it is an interesting discussion, as long as people can stay out of the “You are stupid” or “My BDSM is better than yours” domain.
My post isn’t about misleading – It is provoking, which is the purpose as well to create a discussion. I have had people telling me that blankets are important to aftercare and I shouldn’t minimize that like I do in this post, so you see; I cannot make everyone happy.
And this post isn’t supposed to be neutral in any manner (as I have written it) – It is a foundation for a discussion, and that ambition has succeeded and has done so from the start. This is the ambition of a lot of blogs on the web, to create a discussion.
I for one did not mix up aftercare with empowerment. My argument was one of the author writing in terms of absolutes.
It is also not an issue of TPE versus scene, as people from both camps have expressed similar opinions. Nor does a 24/7 TPE relationship scene continually.
You claim that you are writing your opinion, but nowhere is this expressed in your writing. Your journal does not read “In my opinion aftercare is of the uttermost necessity,” In stead it reads”…an uttermost necessity”. In this, it probably is semantics that has caused this argument, but the fault is not my own. You use of absolutes and unconditionals has lead to any misunderstanding. I am truly sorry that you cannot see this, but as long as you leave it written as such, you really are deceiving the reading audience whether that is you intention or not.
I will answer your questions though.
A lie and if so, why?: Because of your absolutist tone. Your writing not only implies that it must be done, it screams it must be done. As many on the receiving end have expressed that it need not be done, your writing is false by definition. As this has been pointed out to you, repeatedly, and you continue to leave it as it stands, you are at this point intentionally misleading the reading audience. This is lying.
A wrongfully empowerment of the submissive?: If they have been given the impression that they are entitled to it, then it is wrongfully empowering them. Your writing gives exactly that impression.
A threat to TPE?: With the misplacement of authority with false empowerment, it is potentially threatening to any authority exchange relationship.
A way for the dominant to use additional techniques for guidance, at his choice and at his will?: Not at all. As you have worded it, it is only a way for the submissive, and ot a much lesser extent the dominant, to work through mental issues.
A concept that should never have been created as it is destroying the nature of BDSM?: I don’t think that anyone has made this claim. However, with the false entitlement created by your poor choice of words (and stubborn refusal to correct them) such a concept can place considerable strain on a BDSM driven relationship as well as potentially hindering the budding and development of such relationships as fewer dominants, tops, and sadists will be willing to scene with submissives that begin by placing demands on them in a confrontational manner by falling prey to misinformation and assuming they have the right to issue aftercare demands. Worse yet is the scenario where a submissive accuses the dominant of being negligent or an abuser because the dominant refuses to be coerced by an ill thought out blog that the submissive read by explaining that aftercare is a thing which may or may not take place instead of an absolute necessity.
I have never said that aftercare is always, or even often, undesirable. You are the only one here that has spoken in such absolute terms by overstating its importance and implying that it is always necessary. It may or may not be desirable, but it is never an absolute necessity.
@Brutal Antipathy
As I have said before – I am expressing my opinion, that is what blogging is about. You are expressing yours. You and many others are not forced to agree with what I write – Also the nature of blogging – Some people agree with me, others don’t.
If you believe that an absolutist tone is a danger, well then that is your own personal opinion and something other people have to judge for themselves.
Provoking and satire are two different things – I am provoking, you did a satire – Which led to this discussion.
We are both using different ways to create a foundation for a discussion. I believe it is more important to discuss aftercare, you come back to my tone and how I write things. I believe that has been dealt with now, a couple of times at least.
On the other hand I am honored by the effect you believe that my blogpost will have on the community:
“However, with the false entitlement created by your poor choice of words (and stubborn refusal to correct them) such a concept can place considerable strain on a BDSM driven relationship as well as potentially hindering the budding and development of such relationships as fewer dominants, tops, and sadists will be willing to scene with submissives that begin by placing demands on them in a confrontational manner by falling prey to misinformation and assuming they have the right to issue aftercare demands”
Have you noticed any effect yet from my post? It would have happened by now as the post is about 10 months old I believe that most readers are sane enough to judge my words. Saying that my opinion is misleading, based on a subjective notion that it will destroy future BDSM relationships as you believe that my post will destroy the authority of future dominants is quite flattering but also too much of a drama statement
Let’s move on the the real subject – How would you describe aftercare so it doesn’t give the wrong impression?
Rather than address everything in a long, boring, and ultimately pointless lecture, I will address your final question instead.
You ask how it can be described without giving the wrong impression. My answer is that there are many ways to do this, and my way would not be the same as yours because I consider aftercare to be a trivial concept in BDSM, not a very important one. With that out of the way, I would have probably have started with something like this;
“Aftercare is a concept in BDSM that may prove helpful to some people as a means to work through complicated emotional issues. After intense play, humiliation, or other stressful scenes, some people may suffer from guilt, shame, or other negative emotions that are paradoxical when contrasted with the pleasure the experience invokes in them. In this case, aftercare may be a useful tool to aid in working through these conflicting emotions with an understanding and sympathetic ear instead of internalizing or repressing them.”
This removes the authoritative tone, presenting instead a potentially useful idea that is deserving of consideration. It conveys a message of constructive progress rather than a dogmatic mandate. It does not convey in absolutes which will normally create an either positive or negative bias. It opens the door for further exploration without shoving the reader through it. The reader understands that it is a tool that can be used if needed instead of an inflexible law.
“Are you defining aftercare within session based play or are you referring to TPE? This might be important.”
I am not defining anything.
“Could there be a differentiation on how things are done within the two different contexts?”
There could be a big difference in how things are done from couple to couple, and from incident to incident. As a matter of fact, I would posit that there is indeed a lot of difference in most cases, whether “scene based” or 24/7 real life because of the differences in people and circumstance. That is the problem I have with the statement that “Aftercare is…an uttermost necessity”. It’s not. Not for every person. Not every time. Not on this planet. It may be a “customary and considerate thing that some people do”, but it’s not a necessity.
Well, there you go – That wasn’t so hard, was it?
Constructive criticism is way better than to use the derrogatory name calling that you reverted to in your group over at Fetlife when we had this discussion over there.
Just because people disagree with you doesn’t make them into people that doesn’t have a clue.
I am also expecting more from the readers that are approaching this post – They are intelligent people that can interpret and relate to things on their own. You are underestimating people if you believe that they would believe “the lie” that you, subjectively, find my claims to be.
But as I have said before – You have proven the point that aftercare as a concept is of uttermost importance, because if you don’t know anything about it, then you are probably not able to discuss it – As with everything else within BDSM; if you don’t know anything about it, then you can make a concious decision whether you should accept the concept or distance yourself towards it.
I also notice that no one else has felt “mislead” during the 10 months period into the existance of this post – And I am not sure how to interpret that fact; Could it actually be that not everyone is disagreeing with me?
If you don’t like my way of writing, then I’m sorry – I will continue to write the way I do. I don’t believe in censorship, especially when some people are trying to build controversy into it all. That just tells me that the discussion is even more important.
It is in your right to interpret my tone as authorative, even tho I believe you are dramatizing the whole matter just to make a point. You are also, yet again mixing up the concept of aftercare – The “thought” behind it and the administration of it.
You actually sound quite authorative yourself when you state the following:
“The bottom line is, nobody is going to die from lack of aftercare. They may die from lack of first aid in the event of unconsciousness and open wounds, but they will not die for lack of aftercare. The average person with normal amounts of emotional baggage will also not wind up in a mental institution for lack of aftercare. And quite a few people do not even want aftercare.
Aftercare may be provided, should the dominant, top, or sadist decide or agree to do so. But it is by no means necessary, and to claim that it is on your blog is to mislead everyone that should read it.”
I would say you are generalising, especially when you state “The bottom line is, nobody is going to die from lack of aftercare.” This is said with an authorative tone as well and that makes your statement potentially dangerous, doesn’t it? But this is my interpretation of it and not necessarily your intent.
I don’t believe that there is much more for me to add to this discussion as I have clarified my intent and viewpoint that was the origin for this post among a lot of other things.
[…] discussion went high in our Importance of Aftercare post and we were accused of “lying to the public” by very a limited group of people that had […]
Nice post, Stoltz Sinatra. I agree (and don´t have time to elaborate more on the topic).
Thank you for your kind comment – And I am looking forward to your elaboration when you have more time for it. Development of the subject is always interesting.
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