Comments on: The Importance of Mistakes – BDSM Processing 101

By: Stoltz Sinatra

Stoltz Sinatra — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 11:37:12 +0000

Thank you for your kind comment.

I do recognize your reference to fear as a hurdle that effectively prevents people from learning. I believe that people would learn more if they were just a bit more fearless when it comes to personal prestige and how others might perceive them if they make a mistake.

My experience is that it also a question about cultural preferences, in some cultures it’s more acceptable to make mistake than in others. Mistakes should always, in my opinion, seen as learning experiences and when that happens then we start to “listen” to our mistakes instead of applying avoidance.

BDSM, and everything else in life as you insightfully point out, is all about a lifelong learning experience – What would it all be without the element of learning from new experiences?

By: @MsAMarchant

@MsAMarchant — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 22:44:15 +0000

A wonderful post, with an important message for life, as well as within the BDSM context, I think.

Many years ago, I taught English to German business people. They were so terrified of making mistakes that their fear was blocking their development and learning ability. No matter how much I encouraged them to relax, they *knew* they didn't have all the knowledge and were damned if they were going to demonstrate the fact by trying to speak and making mistakes. In the end, I flipped things on their heads. I asked them to come up with sentences which were 'wrong', ie. contained mistakes. Deliberately. It totally fried their brains initially, but it did have the desired effect… by embracing mistakes, they freed themselves up to learn the same lessons they'd have learned if they'd got the sentences right anyway.

For me, the answer to your question 'Why do mistakes happen?' Is intrinsically linked to your point 4. They happen not because I'm sloppy* or ignorant of my ignorance, but because I AM learning, I'm growing. I love learning, I'm committed to learning until the day I pop 'em, and I fully understand that there absolutely cannot be learning and growth without mistakes and cock ups. If you're not failing, you're not challenging and stretching yourself. Simples.

And as you so rightly point out, it's how you handle and process your mistakes that is important.
Great food for thought. Thank you.

*OK… I might have been sloppy once or twice…

By: Nadia Nautalia

Nadia Nautalia — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 15:39:50 +0000

This is an excellent post. I think you are right — in or out of BDSM context, and online or off, what we really need to strive for is an understanding of each other at a deeper level. The goal of understanding is always the right one. It seems so simple…yet there is (as you pointed out) so much that gets in the way of that happening.

By: Stoltz Sinatra

Stoltz Sinatra — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 20:52:57 +0000

I totally agree with you Yuri – Online communication is lacking a lot of necessary channels that we use when communication face to face. That is why people mostly read things on the web with their own voice and their own mood.

Social protocol in communities is a tricky thing as well – Because communities mostly regulate themselves by transfering norms through reprimands. Some “rules” in communities are really hard to observe and is when you have broken them that you become aware of that they actually exists.

Mistakes happens and we all learn from it if it’s handled in a good way.

By: Yuri

Yuri — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 19:49:52 +0000

I do second everything u said, but honestly , what made me feel bad is that at some point I felt that I brought shame upon my whole country! And at that point I noticed that you were being serious, I mean when u asked “do you do this in you country?” I noticed that you were serious!

Before that I was just joking, thinking that u as well were joking, but then things got complicated! Chatting online does not accompany facial expressions or voice tunes, so we tend to interrupt it depending on our mood at that point, until the flow of the conversation itself goes awry and tell you that something was wrong!

Anyways, just as you said, the best thing is just to learn from your mistakes =) and I think this is very important in BDSM! Or those mistakes will pile up and become problematic after sometime!