This post isn’t about BDSM, it’s about one of the harsh things that we experience as a part of life. It’s about the losing someone we love and care for.
Today I received some very sad news; A very close friend of mine, Magnus, died Tuesday night in an ambulance after his heart gave in.
Who was Magnus then?
I met Magnus for the first time when I was about 17 years old in the most weird way; His little furry and disgusting dog took a shit in my bed while I was sleeping in it – That’s how our friendship started. Not the best way to start out a friendship and I got quite angry when it happened, but we had something that we shared and we laughed about all through our friendship which ended abruptly on the 1st of December 2009. It was a 23 year old long friendship which was filled with all kinds of weird things that usually surrounded Magnus.
The relationship I had with Magnus as a friend was straining and intense at times and to be honest; Sometimes he was a real pain in the butt. He would call me up in the middle of the night when he was going through a rough period and complain about how people and life treated him. I would try to talk him out of his dark spot, deflect his bitterness and make him see some positive things in life – It never worked. He never listened and I would usually get frustrated and lose my temper, sometimes I even hung up on him. I guess we were equally stubborn.
None if it mattered in the end because we would talk to each other again in a day or two like nothing ever happened. Magnus would sometimes ask me if I were angry with him or if I would reject him as a friend because of his bitterness. My answer to that was always a loud and clear “No”. Then we would do the same routine all over again one or two weeks later.
There was a reason for this emotional roller coaster which Magnus went through periodically. He had a rough start in life being placed in an orphanage by his mother, due to a genetic condition that he suffered from which gave him a distinct look and made him quite short in height. His bitterness was connected to the rejection that he felt he received from other people at work or in public. Parts of it also came from his reluctance to accept himself. I tried to push him at times to get out of his bubble and try to live life as much as he could, life was too short and there might have been some interesting opportunities for him out there. He never got past the big obstacle – Himself.
He always lived in a, partly by choice, social isolation – Something he hated, but he also had a problem with rejection. By being isolated he couldn’t be rejected which was worse to him than the isolation itself.
It might sound like Magnus was a disturbed man. I would say that he had issues, but who doesn’t? None of it made a difference at the end of the day. Even if Magnus would be a grumpy bugger, he still knew how to be a true friend.
He was always there when you were in need of a true friend. He never forced you to talk, he never pushed himself on to you when you were in dire straits. He just asked a few questions to see how you were and then he hovered quietly around you, making sure that you were ok. He always tried to help you in the best way he could. He supported me and my family when my son died, he supported me through rough times when I was younger by just being around if I needed him as a crutch.
Just like a true friend would do.
Magnus had a caring side to him which would show when he met my kids, he would play and interact with them without any problems, maybe because they accepted him as he were. Children are not judgemental, children accept things as they are, sometimes with brute and blunt honesty.
I believe that this was something Magnus longed for, to be accepted as he were, that people one day would see past his looks and discover the real Magnus – Unfortunately most people didn’t.
Magnus went through the perils not being recognized, not being accepted but he still kept on fighting – Not always in good way, but in the best way he knew.
He trusted a few people, including me. We spoke often and we always spent New Years Eve and midsummer parties together with Magnus and he has definitely given us some memorable moments during these occasions.
Magnus also knew about my kinky side which made him curious even if it wasn’t his thing, but he still accepted me and I accepted him in return.
Just as true friends would do.
During the last couple of years Magnus health deteriorated, mostly due to his weak heart. We talked a lot about that and deep down he knew that his heart would take his life one day; And it did.
Most of you that might be reading this probably didn’t know Magnus. Some of you were fortunate enough to know him – I was fortunate enough to have him as a close friend which I am very grateful for. Magnus never thought that he would leave an impression when he was gone. Well, he was wrong – He did.
I believe he had something important to tell us all.
Accept those who usually are not being accepted and recognize people for what they are as persons, looks doesn’t matter. If you do this, then I am sure you will discover a loyal friend and a true friend – Just as I did.
Thank you for being my friend Magnus…
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I am glad I got to meet him. I liked his sense of humor.
Losing a friend is never easy. {{{HUGS}}}