As I participate in discussions all over the world through the Internet or face to face I consistently run into the common conception that submission is a gift that Dominant should cherish and respect.
Why?
I question this conception because I see a couple of potential pitfalls when someone makes such a statement.
- The Dominance that submissive receives is an equally important gift
- Having a mindset that is deeply rooted in the “Submission is a gift” opinion could create potential Power Exchange problems
- It insinuates that the submissive have a greater deal of power in the relationship
- Submission can be confused with love which could create a potential confusion in the relationship
Let’s first get a couple prerequisites in place. The “submission is a gift” exists for a couple of good reasons. It sets the boundaries of the submission, which actually means that I, as a Dominant, cannot throw my dominance at any random submissive and expect her to submit unless a relationship has been established – I.e the submissive has to accept my dominance by submitting to me.
Another good reason for the statement to exist is that it actually points out the fact that the Dominant has a responsibility to govern the submission that he or she is given – As he or she chooses within the established boundaries of the relationship.
I believe tho that the term “Submission is a gift” is overused and throws in an element of power into the hands of the submissive and it is in most cases discussed from one side. The dominance that the submissive is given is an equal gift and the submissive also should cherish the time and effort that the Dominant is putting into the process of training.
Sometimes I think people just say that submission is a gift because they might be insecure and have to emphasise to themselves that they have control, that they have something that can be taken away from the Dominant. My belief is that every BDSM relationship is a gift in itself and something that should be cherished by everyone involved – Not just the Dominant.
Submission is something you get as a Dominant from hard work. It is the fruit you get from the effort both parties put into the process.
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Ii am very grateful for your Dominance Master. It is indeed precious.
I am glad to see this article, as coincidentally, this morning in FetLife, I read a long declaration by a slave, which had me muttering under my breath “i am glad i am ‘just’ a submissive.” I mean NO disrespect for slaves by this, just this specific statement screamed of this particular slave girl’s requirements for a service Dom. She stated exactly how she was to be cherished and even talked of leaving her “owner” if she ever felt that failing; her focus seemed utterly to be on herself. Very conditional ‘submission’, and weird power exchange.
Thanks for sharing this insight. There is so many cliche lines that men seem to feed. (Is it the D/s equivalent of “What’s your sign?)
“Submission is a gift” makes me roll my eyes as much as “I am a natural Dominant”, “true submissive”…
When a man told me that because I was a submissive, and he was a “Dominant” that by that mere fact, my submission should be given to him completely. I laughed in his face. (Where do they come up with these delusions?)
I agree that the statement is overused and a little misleading. The concept of power exchange is that both parties bring something to the table that is of equal value. Dominating a doormat with no self-esteem is as worthless as submitting to someone who has no interest in the power exchange dynamic. It goes along with the "treating your woman like a princess" (or a weak child) philosophy that I despise. Even in D/s or M/s, there is a level of equality because each person has equal amounts of responsibility, although with completely different roles and duties. Respecting and valuing the contribution that your partner makes to your life is just as important on both sides.