Feminism, Conformity and BDSM

I am writing to feminists – but those who are not might enjoy where this article goes…

Patriarchy – it shows in everything and everywhere, right? In any human relationship or cultural expression. Including sex. Submissive women, dominant women – all of them are really just warped by the patriarchy into re enacting and perpetuating Masculine Dominance. That’s the argument some feminists make (generally to other feminists who disagree) about BDSM. BDSM is about power exchange. And anything about power exchange is really about Patriarchy.

Here’s my problem, sisters and brothers: power exchange only operates from a fundamental, innate, and respected equality. Consent can be given, never taken. Submission can be given, never forced. It is paradoxical, that an overtly emphatically hierarchical relationship in fact depends on all participants actively honoring essential equality. It is empowered by the ability to give and withdraw consent, and determine limits merely on the basis of unique individual choices which need NO external authority or justification to be recognized and honored as sacred.

Additionally – defining D/s relationships as re enacting and perpetuating Patriarchy and Masculine Dominance really insults dominant women, and ironically uses Patriarchy’s tired tactic of identifying some styles of strength with Masculinity. The Dominant women I know are not imitating men. The dominant men are not, either. The submissive men are not emasculated by submission, or even by feminization if that is their kink.  And submissive women are not weak, on the contrary they can be extraordinarily strong, and leaders, and self aware. BDSM practitioners aree not any more unhappy insecure or “over-compensating” for their genders than are the vanilla. Such implication or sometimes direct accusations are insulting, arrogant, and blind.

So what do I see in these kinds of “feminist” criticisms of BDSM, even if only a minority of feminists poke themselves into my sexuality? These criticisms attempt to define aware, thoughtful, consenting adults, both submissive and dominant, and female and male, as incompetent. In a most ironically patriarchal and patronizing manner, these critics wish to impose their own discomfort and lack of respect as a standard, a norm, a moral imperative. You want to say, patriarchy warped me? It warped you too, some of you into sexual dictators. These become patriarchy’s patsy, attacking those MOST aware and concerned about consent, power, equality in sex. Thank Goddess I thought myself out of that mental morass. If you are in it, you can too. But you have to look at yourself, sisters and brothers, before you can see me. And look more broadly at what what generally is no longer acceptable to demonize: “normal” heterosexual sexuality. Sexual patterns in a vanilla bar, at a prom, at a wedding, can be as much or more in conformity with the essence of patriarchy than real, hard BDSM.

Rape and sex can look a lot alike. But despite superficial similarities, they are fundamentally different, not as ends of a spectrum but as reversals, denials of each other. BDSM and equality superficially appear to be antithetical. But fundamentally, BDSM depends upon, affirms, and can develop equality, mutual respect and care. Demonizing sex, or pathologizing it, was one Victorian avoidance strategy. The conceptualization of homosexuality went through a very similar progression (as numerous scholars looking at the cultural histories of sex have pointed out): it was a sin, then a sickness, then something to tolerate, before maybe being appreciated human potential.  But kinky sexuality is still conceptualized as sin, sickness and crime, even when only competent consensual adults are involved. Stereotypes of alternative orientations, genders, and sexualities is bad medicine, cheap politics, and dishonest social and personal concern.

To some people, BDSM looks a lot like patriarchy, and they would protect us from it regardless of our consent; they believe they know better, better than anyone of actual experience. Patriarchy can manifest as imposing conformity, denying personhood, denying personal choice. The patterns they see exist in their own minds, and imposing their patterns on those not in such mental bondage collaborates nicely with the REAL patriarchal paradigm of sex: that sex is nasty and negative, that it is not consensual and active and conscious, that it is not mutual responsibility and care and pleasure. If you have such issues with sex - your criticism is externalizing personal issues. 

So to me – BDSM is more than compatible with feminism. Real BDSM can be one form of real feminist sexuality. Respect. Consent. Communication. Trust. Responsibility. Self awareness. It’s not the only way – but if it’s not yours, have a little respect.

Related posts:

1. BDSM and Feminism – a few good reads
2. BDSM News Digest – April 2009
3. July 24th International BDSM Day