I had some time on my hands the other day and I started to think about the very important subject that is often discussed in different forums where fellow kinksters gather – Trust.
All BDSM relationships involves a great deal of trust between the partners and I would say more trust compared to vanilla relationships. The consensus is usually that the partners usually have to trust each other. Those of us that are active in BDSM-related discussions probably recognize this argument.
But I would like to add another dimension this, just as food for thoughts; How about that it is more important that you trust yourself?
Let me clarify my somewhat whimsical statement. I’ve had submissives that have been afraid of reaching a submissive state because they have been afraid of loosing the control of themselves.
The issue has never been that they didn’t trust me as a dominant and that I wouldn’t treat them according to the established boundaries. The issue was more related to the fact what would really happen to them in terms of reactions when they would actually loose the control that they thought they had.
Let me break this down a bit further; Usually a submissive hands over the control to a dominant. This is, in my opinion, expressed in a wrong way as my experience is that a trust building process is actually about handing over the control gradually. I haven’t so far bumped into a submissive that would allow me to have total control from the first minute after handing over the control.
So when the sub has handed over the control in the beginning of a BDSM relationship, then it is more about allowing the dominant to gradually take the control.
Not handing over all the control immediately would also give the submissive a sense of having some sort of control, right?
I would say that it is impossible for a normal functioning human being to hand over the control totally from the start and a part of the job description for a dominant is actually to take the control away to such an extent that the sub will reach subspace.
So far, so good
The downside of this gradually evolving process is that it can create some fears along the way. I find that it is not uncommon that submissives tend to be people with a need of having a great deal of control in other parts of their life – habits, work etc. This shouldn’t be misinterpreted as a general psychological profile of a submissive – It’s just my personal experience and it shouldn’t be generalised in any way. Most people are afraid of loosing their mask or posture – Submissives aren’t any different in this area.
The closer to subspace you get, the stronger is the fear of what will happen when you lose your foothold and are free floating in subspace and one big question that is usually asked, with a great deal of fear mixed into it, is “How can I get out of subspace?”
What this question actually is about is more along the lines of “Now that I have lost control, how can I get it back so I can get out of subspace when I want to?”
First of all, this is a contradiction as I am convinced that in same instance you feel that you have control, then you have taken your first step to get out of subspace. Subspace is a delicate state of mind where it takes some effort from the sub to stay there. It’s not a conscious effort, it’s more about being relaxed for as long as possible to stay in that state. So with that in mind then I would say that it is impossible to get “stuck” in subspace.
So if you are a sub, then it is not just about trusting your dominant. You also have to trust yourself, you have to trust that subspace is something you will enjoy. It will not change your abilities to make decisions at work, it will not make you into a willing-less bimbo that will do anything the dominant says without any critical thinking.
But when you have reached subspace, it will make you trust – Trust yourself and your abilities.
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Personally I have never feared I could “get out” of subspace, any more than I have feared I could “get out” of the relaxation of a good massage, or ever want to eat again after a good meal, or be able to function in the world if I meditate and achieve some depth. Time passes; nothing persists forever, even the good stuff, except in the sense that every moment lasts forever in some mystical sense. Time passes, and the next wave may be better than this one even if it’s a great ride.
I also think trusting another human being – my Dominant, or myself – is great practice for trusting others and for learning when and who and how to trust.
I know my Dominant wants me to be healthy, to benefit from our relationship rather than be harmed by it. Becoming a mindless slug, utterly dependent, isn’t what he wants – and I trust he won’t guide us that way. Because he’s a healthy self aware secure person, too. He wants that in his partner – even if making her squeal, whimper, beg, moan is periodic good fun.