Freelove. Group sex. Gang bangs. Orgies. Exhibitionism and sex shows. If I say “sex, and more than two adults”, those are likely some of the words and images which come up. Do I have your attention? Well, I am going to talk about BDSM and more than two people, especially focusing on polyamoury and submission.
Polyamoury is the capacity and practice of being open to multiple intimate adult relationships at the same time. (No, I did not look it up, that’s MY definition; as always comments and corrections are truly welcome, post away…) While polyamoury is not synonymous with polygamy (having multiple wives), it does involve commitment, unlike swinging, or an “open” relationship (when one night stands or temporary liaisons are not seen as challenging – or as relevant – as a primary pair commitment). The intimacy in polyamoury is not just physical, but also emotional. Some but not all people in fetish and the BDSM lifestyles are polyamourous, but it is not a part of BDSM. It is rather on a separate continuum of monogamy/polyamoury, and is perhaps as rare or common within the BDSM lifestyles as it is in the “Vanilla”/non-BDSM lifestyle.
I think of jealousy as probably a biological reaction and genetically determined predisposition; but unlike an opinion voiced in the recent Newsweek article on Polyanoury, I think some people tend to get jealous, and some do not, as I see it. The polyamourous tend not to get jealous. They accept beyond just an intellectual understanding that humans are NOT a pair bonding species. Those species which ARE pair bonding do not have serial or concurrent mates; they have one, and that is a biological trait, not a moral issue. Humans practice monogamy, when they do, as a cultural preference. And generally, by objective standards, they practice at most serial monogamy; one’s first love is rarely one’s last, even if one is physically, emotionally and socially monogamous. But human beings DO bond, and do create meaning. Faithfulness is not a really biological state. It is a social and emotional commitment.
Submission is a biological and emotional reaction, and a gift, a choice. It is relational. One might tend to be a submissive, and usually only in certain contexts. But submission is between persons, offered by one, accepted by another. BDSM submission is a commitment made for negotiated hierarchical co-dependence.
I submit to my Dom. To one Dom. I act respectfully towards others, I may even act submissively because in certain contexts I tend to show the part of me that is submissive. But I submit only to my Master. I have read erotica where submission to Master-as-concept is described – the Story of O suggests that as an ideal even if “O”s personal pull is to individuals. But in my personal experience, Master (or Mistress) is only ever an individual. Practically, relationally, submission for the owned submissive is a commitment to monogamy to one’s Dominant. To some extent, a collared submissive surrenders erotic control to one’s Master or Mistress, to use as he or she chooses.
This is NOT necessarily a reciprocated commitment. BDSM relationships and D/s relationships both are, and are NOT, equal. On one hand, I believe choice, and consent, is based on essential equality. Both subs and Dom must be free, be competent to make choices, and able to negotiate or even terminate the relationship at any time throughout it. I do not believe in irrevocable slave relationships as being an ethical possibility within BDSM. Consent is dynamic, and free, always. And I believe this, with all my heart, while simultaneously desiring to belong to my Master always. But on the other hand, within the BDSM context, within the D/s context, the relationship is NOT equal and the Master has choices which the collared submissive(s) do/does not. For example I think a Master can, with knowledge and consent of all those involved, ethically hold multiple submissives. My Master has had several other subs while i have been his; i see this as Master’s right, and i know each relationship is unique.
So… where does all that leave owned submissives who are polyamourous? Or those who like multiple partners? As in all things, subject to her or his Dominant’s choices and desires, within a mutually consensual negotiated context. Likewise, any Dominants who seek or agree to participate in such play, are not acquiring a submissive, but are merely using submissive(s) of the owner. The Master specifies the limits, which may be more hard limits than soft. (Hard limits are those which if breached threaten the relationship itself.) Restrictions and tasks of Master over-ride the desires of any other Dominants.
Can a sub submit to more than one Master? In my opinion, no. Can a sub please more than one Dominant? Possibly for a time. Can a Dominant be satisfied by a sub who fundamentally answers to another? Possibly for a time. (That is not a small question. I have been writing from the submissive point of view. The perspective of Dominants is other; for example, would a Dominant in such a scenario feel like he or she was being topped, either by the Master or topped from the bottom by the sub? What might be the Master’s practical experience in this? Or can a Master be satisfied by his submissive being used by another? Possibly for a time.) Can a sub’s polyamoury be satisfied within BDSM context and without (for example, submissive to one person but involved or even married to someone who is vanilla or non dominant)? Possibly. Can a sub enjoy polyamoury with Master’s other submissives (if all consent)? Possibly. Can a poly sub enjoy polyamoury as a voyeur of her or his Master? Well I hope so; the alternative is either dishonesty or non consensual psychological torture, and in my opinion, neither belongs within BDSM. These are my thoughts and extrapolations, less informed by experience than makes me confident. And there are both Dominants and submissives whom I respect greatly who disagree with me in these opinions.
But is it any wonder that “loaning” a submissive is more fantasy, than a practical reality?
In the interest of discussion, let’s discuss a hypothetical. Let us say my Master has received a request from another Dom, to borrow her, to use her, with Master’s permission. (And let’s assume that request is polite, respectful of all persons; the Dom is NOT trying to steal me from my Beloved Master, or assuming i am a common use slut but am my Master’s cherished possession.) Should it feel good to be desirable, or to own a desirable pet? Should it feel alarming to the pet, or good to surrender control of this to Master, and to wait to hear his reactions? Should the pet be punished; it is Master’s prerogative to punish of course as pleases him. And should the pet be loaned out, and what are practical considerations for each, Master dom, and sub?
So, readers, the question becomes: what do you think should be done? What should Master do? What should the Dominant do? and what should the pet do? I challenge you – answer with minds, not just as the horny voyeurs you are!
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I’d like to answer the hypothetical posed, but I cannot, because I don’t believe there is any single, objective answer to the question–only multiple answers which depend on the individuals involved and the nature of their relationships, D/s, sexual, and personal.
My spouse and I are polyamorous; we’re also Dom and sub. I could tell you what would work for us (we’d have a three-way negotiation; I’d probably want to watch), but I don’t think that our experience generalizes to everyone. Every relationship is individual, including those between Dominant and submissive.
It sounds to me that your expression of submission is different than that of my spouse’s. For you, it’s essentially monogamous–there can be but one Master. The thing you ponder is essentially the BDSM equivalent of swinging–submitting to another for some outside play of limited significance. Swinging is only a subset of polyamory. I’m open to a lot more–longterm D/s relationships, perhaps hierarchical, or perhaps as coDoms of equal authority. I’m open to my spouse having subs of hir own, or working with hir to top a sub. But I don’t think that every D/s pair should have the outlook we do.
I’m not a jealous lover, nor am I a jealous Dom. For me, the zing multiplies with multiple partners.
Noctis, your comments frame this rather helpfully to me; I don’t know why my musings neglected to consider some of the long term arrangements you mentioend, which have been options I’ve considered over time. And you are perfectly right, every relationship is individual, and every BDSM relationship doubly so. (What’s the double of infinity? … a relationship, I guess.) Rereading my article, I sound more definitive than I feel. More later perhaps but thank you for your thoughts.