Whatever the type of relationship a couple is in, honest communication with self and the partner is necessary, as the above stories have made abundantly clear.

I thank you all for your comments and Sir Stoltz for this article.

Taste, and subjectivity, are not bad things, they are just realistic. Of course, our mentors or parents were right when they saw and noted something extraordinary in each of us. And of course, everyone’s Dominant can maybe be The Best EVER. (But mine really is. ::grins::)

Non robotic minions and subs are more tasty IMHO; courteous subs and Doms are often the most mature, authentic, and true to the essence of BDSMERs I know. BDSM in PG areas in SL strikes me as forcing possibly non-consenting people into being voyeurs; a bit tacky, at least, and I say that as a person with an enthusiastic exhibitionistic streak… However – flying is also not something people do in RL; the culture in SL is more tolerant than much of RL, and if that means enduring faux pases (and a diverse and sometimes jarring mainland) I can stand it.

However I agree absolutely that most of the RL BDSMers I know appreciate Out Of Role time with lovers who are more than BDSM playmates. People are more than personas, and more than roles, and consent is a vibrant living thing made most interesting by the depth and reality of the individuals giving and accepting it. 24/7 BDSM is NOT Perfection, for many RL BDSMers who enjoy 24/7 relationships. In my experience, and opinion.

I believe the point about BDSM not being a competition falls in the line of there not being a “best person”. Sure, we have Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr. and a slew of other notable individuals who are excellent representatives of what it means to be a good human being. But that doesn’t mean they inspire everyone the same way, or at all. Same thing with music- people have their favorite genres and bands, and there are even competitions where conflicting styles are compared. But ultimately, which is exactly “best” depends on the audience. My parents thought I was an amazing performer in elementary school, but I sure as hell am not getting a record deal.

Finally, as an outsider, the only thing I can add that would make a good sub is one not only aware of their needs and their dominant’s needs, but being aware of surroundings and who is in that surrounding. From what I know (which is subject to inaccuracies), the sub can dictate a good deal what goes on. One thing that bugs me is when subs and doms or slaves/masters are out in a non-BDSM/Gor/related area and heavily displaying some of the activities that go on. I know in real life it would not be accpetable if a dom was dragging their sub around on their hands and knees through J.C. Penny’s, so I’m confused as to why it’s more acceptable in the virtual casual stores. I have heard that some subs/slaves feel ‘unloved’ if they are not treated this way, and I guess that just seems very selfish and disrespectful. I don’t tromp around in full fantasy RP gear and shot people while I’m at PixelDolls, and it’s not appreciated when I do see other roleplayers doing this. I have nothing wrong with people wearing collars and using certain forms of language (the third person can be irritating, but I can deal with it), but some awareness of others would – to me, anyways – show a greater understanding and control of the role.

Maybe I’m nuts, but I could see how some doms might also just want their sub to be a regular shopping partner part of the time and an intimate playmate at others, rather than all the time. I know showering lovey-dovey talk on my significant other would drive me crazy and drain my energy.

I think it is not BDSM that is inherently competitive, but life itself. It is in each of our best interests to improve, to build upon what we have learned in the past, to become – and to see ourselves become – better at whatever. Therein lies the potential for “processing.” Whether we utilize that potential is another matter, of course.

And the processing may be either internal, as a result of observation and striving to understand some situation, or the result of an external dialogue with one or more others, although the processing is still carried out internally, either during or following the discussion, possibly both.

Which is where communication enters the picture. It could be argued that I found SL because of the demise of a RL relationship. Now this woman and I were entirely frank and forthcoming with each other. We believed we were communicating. We even patted ourselves on the back, so to speak, about how well we communicated. Except.

It was not until the relationship had ended and I had moved out of her house that we discovered the root of the problem: she had thought that if I moved in, ran her ranch, then spent the rest of each day writing, I would somehow magically produce a Best-Seller. Her faith in my ability was not rooted in reality. Bottom line is, because I did not produce the book she had imagined, in her mind I was not “writing.” Silly me, I thought the process of brining words from my brain onto the word processor was “writing.” We fought, never understanding that the whole issue hinged on two differing definitions of the same term.

And as a result of processing that, and processing the seeming inconsistency of almost every woman I met after coming to SL wanting to be my slave, I finally understood that communication is not guaranteed even though two people make no effort at concealment and there is nothing inherently wrong with either wanting to be a slave or taking enjoyment from that desire in one who wishes to serve you.

I could not have learned these things had our genuine efforts to communicate not gone awry, could not have found SL or the women whose persistence allowed me to see I should not judge others by my own standards, but by theirs. And I have gone on at much greater length than I had anticipated, so by way of compensation I will not plague you again for a week or so…

Oh… and what makes a good sub? Why not ask what makes a good Master or Mistress? Even better, why not ask, “how long is a piece of string?” Be well.

Zeb

Also, I would agree with you that none of these contestants believe they are the Be All, End All of BDSM and would tell you that they are always learning, processing, and attempting to make the necessary changes in their behaviour to become closer to their own image of what the ideal or model BDSM person would be.

Further, I would agree that someone who flaunts themselves to purposely make someone else feel Lesser is in fact an inferior product themselves. However, I will admit a bit of amusement and Pride comes over me when one of my products flaunts the assets they have acquired in order to show off how well they have “processed” and incorporated their learning into their Being.
Always,With Love in BDSM, -LordSir Ninetails

I evaluate my submissived based on who they are and what they and I hope they can be; comparisons to other submissives is harmful IMHO. I am not going to think badly of a sub who cannot kneel correctly, if posture training is not a consensual goal. Some people have bad knees or backs; that doesn’t make them a bad sub. Some people have inate grace, and can kneel gracefully and maintain it for a long time; that doesn’t make them a good sub either.

Any sub of mine that flaunts their talents in front of another sub or a Dominant to make them feel lesser will get a REAL punishment, a serious talking to, and perhaps release from my service. Such arrogance and discourtesy is NOT acceptable. I would probably enjoy the displays of competancy of another Dom or sub, but not if ill mannered and inspired by mean spiritedness. I certainly would enjoy my subs efforts to please me in public, and be happy also if they performed well so that I have the pleasurable opportunity to note it and reward them.

As for Stoltz’s friend the submissive; good submissision IMHO is not about giving UP oneself, but giving oneself. The difference is whether the inner essence and potential of the sub is appreciated and cherished; that is something I teach my subs. Not all processing is about change. Growth in self awareness is a precious thing, and a prerequisite to self initiated change. She explores submission with a growing self awareness, weighing what is and is not the essence, asking herself and a dominant she trusts good questions. Good girl.

Point 2: Your “friend” will only make a good submissive if she chooses to change due to the “processing” she is doing. I have had submissives fully capable of “processing” and communicating this processing but who do little to try to act on it and actually change themselves enough to become a “good submissive” for my needs, wants, or tastes.

Point 3: I know I just sounded a bit harsh and judgemental up above but as you have pointed out in other articles there are many varied and diverse points of viewin the BDSM world. And, I seem to be the defacto DA (I heard that all the way from here!) around here. ( )
With Love in BDSM, -LordSir Ninetails

I often doubt how I’m doing, whether I am doing well. What I could do better. I really appreciate the reminder that I need to involve my Domme in this introspection. Mostly it’s been self-introspection on my blog…

I’d like to add another to the list of quotes, though in my case I need to paraphrase because I can’t remember who said it or precisely how, but it’s one of the tenets by which I try to live my life (RL and SL): When we stop learning we start dying.

Keep learning everyone, especially about yourselves. I’ve learned some amazing things about myself in the last few months, I can’t wait to see what I learn about myself next…

In fact, that processing is important in every aspect of life. Was it Socrates that said, “An unexamined life isn’t worth living?” But when those of us who enjoy BDSM get involved in a scene, we tend to through examination of our actions/thought processes/emotions out the window. We want to live for the now, experience a total release from all thought and revel without analysis. Great for the moment, but if reflection doesn’t occur afterward, you’re right…where’s the growth?

Good post (and a wave to Cloud!)

Diana