Lately I have been thinking thinking about pain, pain in BDSM, pain in masochism and sadism. I think this is one of the major mysteries for vanilla people when confronted with RL BDSM. “He (or she) hurts you – and you LIKE it?”or “you HURT people – and they LIKE it?” uhm… how to explain?
OwWwWWww! ok ANOTHER reason I am thinking about pain is that my Master has been doing some pain training of me. And uhm… I like it much more than I expected.
Let me start with this – “like” is too weak a word. For a masochist, BDSM contextual pain can be yummier than chocolate to a chocoholic. Yes, it hurts – but for a masochist something magical happens with the release of adrenaline, endorphines, and all the other lovely chemicals the body generates during arousal with the trigger of the right sort and amount of pain. There is a transformation and pleasure results. That pleasure is intense, and my own most common understandable phrase when getting a good whipping or spanking is “please don’t stop.” Of course – stopping or not is not up to me (unless I safeword), and that’s pleasurable to a submissive in an entirely different way.
Sado-masochistic play can really test dominance and submission, the essence of the trust shared between the dominant and the submissive. Serious SM play is not for the faint of heart, the ignorant, or something to share with just anybody before trust is built. Plan to go slow, and go slower than that, and remember there is NEVER any reason to rush. The potential backlash, for subs AND dominants, can be devastating. After-care for both sub and dom should be planned for.
Planning for SM could be an article by itself, and although I AM a switch, I’ll let my Master write that one – unless some guest author contacts us (::looks speculatively in your direction::). Aside from logistics – In some countries or regions, be aware that sado-masochism, even consensual, is illegal, even without a complaining submissive. (Yes, I think of England, and the EU, among other places.) My personal opinion: if you have not researched local laws, if you have not studied the physical risks of the play, and if you are not prepared for Murphy’s Law (all that can go wrong, can happen…) do NOT do this sort of play.
In prepping this article I spoke to a few submissive masochists and dominant sadists, and I’ll share a few of their comments: BDSM pain “makes me feel alive and makes me feel the strength of my Master… physically strong … i can feel his power over me and the fact he cares enough to push my boundaries that he is taking care even when hes hurting me in a way… it feels very elemental very human… it really helps to have a good Dom to help get into the mindset.” Another; “I’ve been truly startled by how much I enjoy the pain itself.” One dominant sadist spoke of the sense of power he felt by the TRUST given by his masochistic submissive. Another dominant spoke of the endorphine or theta wave like pleasure HE gets from entering Dom space, releasing his inhibitions yet controlling the situation (even more than the sub), becoming hyper-aware of everything going on with the submissive and himself, simultaneously “very calm” yet “aroused”. He also mentioned the pleasure of learning his submissive’s response, and controlling her endorphine rush. He wondered if the stress of doing forbidden activities might be enough of a stressor to trigger something like endorphines in the Dominant as well as in the submissive. For me, play that includes a bit of sado-masochism is a practical demonstration of empathy, care, dominance, awareness of and attention to the submissive, and our trust of each other; and it feels incredibly good when I’m aroused and warmed up as a submissive, and exciting and focussing when I am dominant.
I mentioned “submissive masochists and dominant sadists” – yes, there ARE submissive sadists and dominant masochists. A dominant masochist may order their submissive to whip them. But the dominant controls how much and how; woe betides the sub who errs! A submissive sadist is harder to describe or explain to me (and if you are one and care to post a comment, well, PLEASE do). A submissive sadist enjoys giving pain his or her Dominant, by definition; I confess I have not personally known one, except for subs who enjoy nasty topping from the bottom and mind-fucking/emo playing Dominants.
Pain not in BDSM context, or not administered by a skilled sensitive sadist, or administered without my consent, just hurts, there’s no pleasure in it, and if I can control myself and think it a mistake, I might warn once before I do my best to disable such a person (maybe permanently… if I actually kick balls hard enough… ).
What kind of pain am I talking of? More than little stings, more than I can inflict on myself, enough sometimes for me to bruised or be marked. Many people, even vanilla people, like rough stimulation, maybe the edge of pain, during hot sex. Is it so naughty to recognize that a little masochism, a little sadism, is really NOT uncommon? Tolerances vary by person, and they vary by arousal level, and mood, and experience, and sense of safety, even for one person. And there are different sorts of pain; one common distinction made about impact play, for example, is sting vs thud. When I feel anxious, even a little pain may be too much. When I am relaxed, I might ask for more than my Dominant, a very skilled and experienced sadist, is willing to give me… at least yet.
How does a masochist do it? “It’s about concentrating your breathing but mainly your mind,” said a masochist friend to me. She thinks of other things, rather than the pain itself. I concentrate not on other things but on the event, on the sensation because to some extent, perceiving it as pain or pleasure involves my choice… The unexpected impact of a single tailed whip on my backside HURTS, yes… but then it can warm and melt and my mind goes into a place where only the moment matters, expectations and control fade into meaninglessness, my Master is in control and is so aware of me that I feel the caress of his noticing my breath, my goosebumps, my change in voice as I answer his question, “are you doing ok?”
Does pain turn you on?
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Well, okay, the closest thing I have seen to a “submissive sadist” is a Bottom who laughs when they are able to get the Top to hurt themselves. The Bottom in this case is as much a Sadist as the Top is, yet has a different objective in mind. The objective the Bottom has in mind is to not only get the feeling of being Sadistic but to also work on the other Sadists mindset in order to fulfill their own lust for a truly Masochistic outcome. It is a different type of play that will remind you a little of a S.A.M. but is an edgeier (and potentially more harmful) type of play (particularly if the Top is not a Masochist as well)that pits one Sadistic mind against another, upping the ante as the play goes on. Warning! The Top must be the stronger willed of the two – the most capable of stopping before the game goes too far. So, in actuallity, as you can see, we are really still talking about a Masochist on the bottom, though with the addition of also being a Sadist. With Love in BDSM, -LordSir Ninetails
At least on a human level (not necessarily sexual in nature), submissive sadism may be present in subtle cruelty, or pleasure in making a person feel strong guilt or regret when excersising dominance over them.
That is a very interesting perspective….but is it true submissive sadism?
One of our psychological defenses is the ability to bounce back and mixed in with that is the need for revenge as way of restoring our self esteem, by taking out your revenge you are regaining a posture (in your own mind/self esteem) towards your counterpart.
I believe this is a natural reaction and then the question becomes: Does true submissive sadism exist?
This hits the nail head on. I'm a sadist to the core and this is often how I get my rocks off, although functionally I'm a switch rather than a sub.
My partner is extremely dominant but non-sadistic. When he tops I try to drive him to extremes he's uncomfortable with, knowing that as much as he enjoys being in charge he's cringing internally at the thought of hurting me (I, myself, get a heady adrenaline rush out of pain which I rather enjoy, although it does nothing for me sexually) I live for the meek apologetic "Areyouokays?" when we finish.
When I top, we arrange to have the his bonds such that he could easily navigate out of them, although they look cosmetically sound, such as that he can have the satisfaction of knowing that he could break free at any point and overpower me (and in some cases I let him).
As the month ends, a comment – I am surprised this article generated so few comments and no questions.
Over the years I have had a lot of problems as to where I fit in the scheme of it all. I tried to be a Top but failed because I prefer being the masochist. But I was bad at being a bottom because I’m not submissive. I would be constantly rebellious on purpose till I got the amount of punishment I wanted. I thought maybe I was a switch but eventually I gave up. Out of the blue I thought “What if there are Dominant Masochists?” I guess it’s kind of a mental thing too. I prefer a submissive who is not a sadist entirely but who instead adores me to a point where their punishment is to beat me. If that makes sense.
I have run into a few people with some of your preferences. You say “I was bad at being a bottom because I’m not submissive” – but are you Dominant, or not on that spectrum? You could be into the sensations only, and in that case even having an obedient sadistic sub would become annoying; you’d need a sadistic peer. But if you ARE Dominant – you want the submission too.
The problem with any labels is that we tend to use them to limit our experiences or definition of self. Labels are merely supposed to help us describe. But for something like BDSM, which is a personal exploration and of which little good theory is taught, even in grad schools on human behavior, we try on the labels, then try to conform. Isn’t this kind of silly in some ways? We are like medieval scientists who keep trying to create the alchemists stone, and puzzle out orbits in which the earth is the center of the universe. We try to fit reality into immature theoretical framework.
And most psycholical and social theories say little about BDSM, and much of what IS written is wrong, prejudiced, archaic, based on annecdotes at best…
Yes makes me so horny,and makes me cum
I like pain but, I am married to a Vanilla Princess who was brought up to be a “nice girl” and who can’t seem to leave that stereotype behind even though she has a very ornery sense of humor and is the sexiest woman I ever knew. She was playing with a heavy belt and accidentally hit me so hard I saw stars and instantly had the erection of a sixteen year old.
But, alas, she is the queen of ice and looks upon me as a depraved pervert. She has even called me evil when she was angry. She is so close to being a domme but she can’t give up that old victorean attitude that a good girl does not get too much enjoyment from sex, etc. She seems to feel her worth has to do with her ladylike qualities and never acting like a slut. The worst thing you can call her is prostitute.
I have tricked her into granting me permission to go outside our marriage for my degraded perverted activities. I’m not sure she would stand for it in actuality; but there is a fair chance she would just to avoid being constantly besieged by “perverted” desires on my part. But, when I think about it, I would really much prefer playing with the one I really consider sexy, my wife.
Yes, from everything I know about myself pain, in a sexual context only, not only turns me on, it makes me crazy with lust and the desire for more punishment. I could be the S.A.M. posterboy if I could only get my better half to do her part. By the way, I’m open to any advice for getting my wife into it. I don’t really want to put Plan “B” into operation.
Interesting commment, Kinklu – What you are describing is a composite of different BDSM related problems which are not uncommon.
Discovering your BDSM side inside a marriage is not always comfortable, especially if your wife doesn’t feel drawn to it. You are in a sort of lucky position tho, as she has granted you the a possibility to get your urges satisified. That is all good in my book as long as it has been based on honest negotiations with clear terms/rules as a result, rules that both of you accept. The established rules between you and your wife needs to be constantly revised and discussed. That is actually one of the core values within BDSM, total emotional honesty towards everyone involved.
The fact that you have “tricked” her is the thing that makes me a little bit uncomfortable as that is not based on honesty. Trickery is sometimes a behaviour that is shown when a submissive have been without attention from their Dominant or when the submissive feels that he/she is not getting what they need. Especially among emerging subs that haven’t found the secureness in their submission yet.
There is a common dangerous aspect that I sense a little bit between the lines: When one partner inside a relationship discover their own BDSM side, then they automatically want the other one in the relationship to become their Dominant or submissive. This usually ends with devastating results. Imagine not being drawn to BDSM and then being forced by your partner to become something you are not or do not enjoy. It is from a BDSM perspective a sort of topping from the bottom and the effect will be that nothing will feel real.
To sum it up – It ain’t pretty.
What you and your wife can do is to investigate your BDSM side together. Then it becomes something that you two share rather than something that comes between you and it might even get your wife interested in BDSM. But if she doesn’t become interested then you have to accept that, but if you two have done your homework properly then she might at least understand what you enjoy and that you need to have that urge satisified. Then she might consent naturally to what you want to do rather than being tricked into things.
Who knows, she might even enjoy seeing you being subjected to pleasurable pain without being the one inflicting it?
Acceptance and understanding come in small steps – Take it slow, try things together with your wife slowly, then pause and look back and talk about it together. Accept the emotions that it creates and take it from there.
It is all a part of the processing.
Missed this first time around…if’n you don’t mind some late comments?
“Pain” seems to be a relative term. Medical personnel use a scale when asking about pain — “Would you say the discomfort you’re feeling is closer to a 1 or a 10, ten being the highest?” — because what’s a 4 for one person is a 9 for another. Tolerances vary widely between people. Heck, they vary widely within a person, too. What someone brushes off one day, is over the top two days later.
But the simple answer to the question that started the entry, “Does pain turn you on?” is a definite yes — with a qualification. There’s a difference between pain meant for pain’s sake and pain meant for sexual release. Granted, the line is fine and different for every person, but there is a distinction that needs to be made. I suspect true sadists don’t care about the line, but true Doms do. Same with submissives. We want the pain that makes our insides turn to jelly and open our bodies and psyches to more, more, more — NOT the pain that makes us cringe away and say, “Ouch, that hurt.”
Grrr…I’m not sure any of this is making sense. Is it?
Diana – What you are saying make sense.
Very few subs enjoys breaking a leg as the pain can be unbearable – But a hard flogging or nipple clamps can be very enjoyable.
It’s a matter of in which context the pain arises.
I can enjoy bruises as a result from a flogging, but I find pictures of battered women with bruises originating from domestic violence despicable – Just mentioning this as a comparison to different types of pain as you were referring to.
Thanks for the input, Stoltz, and of course you are right. It is I who have changed, not her. And we are making progress albeit, slow progress. But she’s well worth the trouble.
Hey guys (or girls), i've known about my masochistic desires, especially humiliation play, for a couple years now, and the person i'm with has known it since we got together almost a year ago, and she doesn't necessarily understand why i like what i like, both the physical and physiological aspects of BDSM, and she is only slightly sadistic with no masochistic tendencies. she started being my dom during sessions about six months ago, and seems to enjoy the fact that she's pleasing me more than she's enjoying the act itself. my question to all of you is this: is it wrong for me to allow her to continue practicing both pain and humiliation play with me even though she doesn't get very much out of it? (by the way, once we're done with the session, i DO fulfill her vanilla needs)