I have arrived

I have been challenged hard these last weeks. I have battled submission, pain, fear and even real life. My dear Herrn says I should not push myself so hard on so many levels at the same time. Since I am the one and same – and that I am challenging my Sub and my Dom side at once will in the long run leave me weakened. I say he is a woos – and wrong (and of cause partly right as he always is – but don’t tell him )

I like to take my challenges hard and further then necessary. I know that I do my best work when put to the test. If it is too easy I only take it as game. Challenge me for real and I will conquer (I have told you about my grand illusions hasn’t I…) I will trough fits and tantrums of cause. I will also go into moments and even days of a bit of enclosure. I will seem unfocused and bothered, even depressed maybe. All this is me processing. I come out in the other end stronger and at the final destination of that journey. The fuel stops and detours I will keep for myself, I challenge myself with them and want to take them head on and by my self – this makes my journey my victory and not my Doms.

So this journey has reached its final destination and I am eagerly awaiting my next trip – but I am not the captain, that is Herrn and we will probably all see where he takes me next. Even if I for one hope that it will be in weekly post rather then daily…

Were am I then?

The exercise with me wearing Herrns collar for ten straight days in public took me hard – harder then anything in my life I think. But in the end it took me further then anything too. I know that some of you have a hard time understanding why the collar was so challenging to me.
I am a very strong woman, even strong headed at times . I take pride in my independence and my skills and perfections in life. I am also a woman who leads – who is dominant in my profession and up til now dominant (but not in a BDSM way) in every relationship I have been in, with both friends and lovers. (Not counting my mother…)
So me wearing a pad locked, and therefor not easy to excuse as an assecorie, collar is a very strong symbol. For me not for affection and award – but as domination and forced submission so to say. As I am not a submissive in nature, and not yet in my progress, submission becomes a threat. To my independence, my identity, my whole world even. To everything I know to control life with.
Why the hell take on the role of submissive then?!? Well hard to say in one way, in an other not – I need to. Being dominant in life is not always a good thing, it puts pressure on you to always be the one in control – even if it comes natural, even if you like it, do it well and need it. It can be described as being in predator mode at all times. Being a predator makes people scared of you and not necessary nice to you. Even if you are a friendly tiger people fear you and won’t let you under their skin and will always keep heads up and on edge to not feel threatened by you. This will make your life a hunting ground rather then a successful living.
(Oh, this will be a long post my friends…) Do not get me wrong, I have had a good life, a happy life but maybe not a life that I think is the right way of living. My dominant side comes from surviving though shit in life, both personal and professional. But passing thirty and reaching an other level in life I have discovered that maybe I want to lead my life in a different way, I want to be perceived as loving person rather than someone you need to keep heads up with. I want to be the person that people who knows me persive, the person I am. Cutting a long story short (watch the stores for the novel in a couple of years… ) I fear submission and I long for it at the same time. Being submissive teach me how to be humble and will teach me to mix with people without being perceived as a threat but not for that matter as a doormat neither. The doormat part is what scares me – a lot…
Back to were I am at after this exercise: The collar kept me at home for four days, I would not for anything risk having to explain why I was wearing a collar and most important that I am submissive to someone, or anyone for that matter. I was thrown between feelings of anger and hate. Herrn Stoltz was not a very popular person in my life. But after a while my dominant side found its way back and I put my mind into dealing with my challenge. I found ways of excusing my wearing a big scarf at all times, had a bad cold or I was freezing, I said. I came to terms with my assignment and my stubbornness took hold and I was not in any way going to fail – I never fail. I will never know if not failing was the first intent of the challenge – I thought so anyway, not failing is in my book always the intent of a challenge. Any way – as I was not failing I was not winning either, the days just kept on going and me feeling very good by not failing and moving about in public with the damn thing did not seem to end the exercise… Herrn must have changed the intent I thought.. What to do? How to win? I had no idea, I do not no any other way but not failing, not failing is the way of conquering – in any situation, just keep on going, head first and you will come out in the other end somehow. Not knowing what to do is my biggest fear. This has Herrn of cause pick up on, probably the first time he spoked with me – as he is so annoyingly good at looking straight in to me (which is way I let him).
I got even more angry with him and the exercise, I begged him to take it of – just could not take more of the never ending exercise and this not knowing how to come out in the other end.
(There was also the part of having to be switch and whipping your Sub up when you yourself are wearing a collar, a bit tricky but doable if you are dominant enough… but ever so annoying!)
So after days of being angry and sad at the same time and begging to be freed I finally did what I never do – I failed by agnolishing that I did not know what to do. I gave up crying in despair, begging to know what to do to win. Then he tells me I have concord the challenge – failing, asking for help was the answer…

The feelings after this took a long time to gather and process, I might even be in to my third week now, but yesterday I reached the final destination of the collar journey. There has been some sessions after the exercise that have been a form of follow up that have taken me the final bit from the runway to the baggage pick up and now I am there. Signed sealed and delivered…I have for the first time reached submission in my own mind during a session and stayed in submission after the session.

From here on the path is blind, I will have to go on with out a map, a pre written plan to control the outcome. Space is wide and black and I am but a humble explorer.

/Fröken

Ok, I started this post with saying I have been challenge on many levels… it turned out to be a looong telling of one of them. Fear and pain will follow an other day.

Related posts:

1. What is this all about?
2. Can I ever go vanilla again?
3. What makes the Sub submissive?