I always tell people how important it is to have a boundary discussion before you even start to do BDSM with someone. Fine – You have done all the preparations and had that discussion, then what?
One thing that I find hard is actually to tell when then BDSM session should start, as I am not living in a 24/7 BDSM relationship with total power exchange. Its no fun making arrangements like “Do you want to get flogged tonight?” as that will take the surprise and spontaneity out of the whole thing.
We have solved that in a ritualised manner with a collar. Our marker, that tells us that we are in a BDSM mode, is a collar. The collar can only be put on by me, but Allsmiles can of course ask me to put it on. When the collar is being put on, then we use our BDSM personas.
I have always found it hard to go in and out of my BDSM persona without a clear marker that tells me when the BDSM session starts, so I have always used a collar to mark the start and end of the BDSM session and when I am going into my dominant persona. A collar is of course not the only thing you can use, you can use a specific piece of clothing or a ring – Something that you both have agreed upon.
The collar have a couple of different meanings to me as well, one of the most important ones are the sense of belonging – Through the collar I am showing Allsmiles that she belongs to me, not as something I own, but as a partner and that she is supposed to submit to me.
It also represent the responsibility I have towards her and that I am supposed to take care of her and handle her in a trustworthy manner.
The collar is a persona boundary, a psychological failsafe. When the collar is on then I am using my BDSM persona and the things I do to Allsmiles are done with that in mind – It means I am not doing them to her as her boyfriend.
Does that sound complicated? Well, it might be a bit complicated but the purpose is to prevent a spill over effect. Frustrations and anger that are built up during the BDSM session are supposed to stay within the BDSM session and not reflect upon our relationship as boy- and girlfriend. This is of course easier said than done, but my opinion is that the collar helps us to do that in a very explicit way. There is of course no guarantee that a spill over will never happen and it has happened, and that is when a good aftercare is necessary on a psychological level.
If I am mean to Allsmiles in a BDSM session, then that doesn’t mean that I am mean to her as a boyfriend. It is really important to differentiate between these things if you are going to survive in a relationship with BDSM as a one common ground – And sometimes rituals are necessary to help that differentiation.
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Very nice post, very helpful to think about some of these things these ways. I particularly liked the explanation of how very functional and meaningful a physical symbol can be. It cues not just your submissive (and her submissive persona) but you and your dominant persona; the latter is I think less addressed in basic books and SL classes at least.
Some dominants seem to forget or not understand, the magic being worked is on them as much as on the sub. One takes up an aspect before play, and lays it down when normal time is to restart, as it were; or to use another (neopagan) analogy, one casts a circle and names protected space for sacred time, then later opens it to return to the normal world. Yes, we manipulate ourselves, whether dominant or submissive, and we manipulate each other; and I mean no pejorative meaning to manipulate, I mean we inspire and enchant each other and together create something rather wonderful and powerful.
A collar is to me the key symbol of BDSM, not the whip or the cuffs (though they too can be embued with deep symbolism and ritualized responses) or a gag or leash or any other fetish object. The collar doesn’t even have to be a collar (or a tight fitting wide neck adornment). It is the symbol of the gift and commitment, the promise for the care and the respect.
As a submissive, it is unspeakably sweet and thrilling for it to be put on in RL. In SL I see a collar as a visual symbol, and a practical convenience as most are scripted; the simple weight of the physical reality of a collar, and the transformative power of donning it, do not translate for me.
Wanted to start off by saying how much I’ve appreciated reading everything here. The thoughtfulness and thought-provocation has been very enlightening.
I wanted to briefly touch on something Cloud mentioned regarding SL, namely the use of a collar as the trigger point for donning the Dom/Sub personae inworld. Take this with a large grain of salt as I am v\ery much a newbie still in SL, but what I have observed is that it is keys that take on this symbol rather than the collar itself. I have seen it on many occasions, a sub will release their keys to a Dom(me) they are about to scene with and the scene is done when the Dom(me) returns the keys to the sub.
I very much agree that it’s important to be able to cleanly establish the start and stop points and this seems like a reasonable way of doing so. Especially as with the RestrainedLife Viewer, handing over the keys literally hands over control.
Good point, there Corvan – You are totally correct on the fact that keys might be a start and stop marker symbol as well as handing over control between the both parties.
On the other hand, when you are in a long-term relationship with a dom/sub, then the keys are probably just handed over once (in SL, in RL its a bit tricky if you don’t do a 24/7).
But external parties cannot see if there are any keys handed over, the only symbolic marker they have of the relationship is the collar.
I like your differentation, which applies to maybe more random play.
Corvan and Master Stoltz, good points; while donning a collar in RL can be a trigger, in SL submissives wear collars as long as they are in a committed relationship, or really even longer, as a fashion and lifestyle symbol, only resetting ownership and if RLV or such exchanging keys. Really, there is no clear we-enter-play mode signal in SL that I am aware of; there’s a tendency for most of SL play to assume quasi 24/7 characteristics, one is in and out of play constantly. People hand over the SL TPE equivilent (RLV control) very very casually; there’s neither risk nor depth in it, for most, as far as I can see. Whereas in RL, if you hand over TPE for a session or for 24/7 – huge risk, huge depth of impact for Dom and sub.
I do wish SL BDSMers would choose and use clearer triggers for play mode – I think it could really increase the depths of play via the medium. Maybe keys are or could become that.